Teachers, have you ever had problems with students who go to the restroom every time they are in your class? Have you noticed that some students don’t return to class until it is over, or may not even show up again until the next day? Excessive time and talk in the restrooms has become a big issue this year. Girls and boys who yell, scream, and chat in the restrooms disrupt testing in the vision room, making it difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. This April Fools Satire article exaggerates the problems I face when girls and boys hang out in the bathrooms.

In an effort to ensure they maintained good citizenship and decorum when they went to the restroom, the teacher sternly reminded the students when class began Monday morning that they still represented the classroom even when they were outside of it. “I want you to go out there and do your business because it is a basic right of every human being to answer to nature’s calling, but keep in mind that you are still on school grounds and are ambassadors for my classroom, so make sure that the bathrooms are as clean when you come out as they are right now. No one wants the walls painted the color of the shirts of your favorite football teams, or hear reports of glass plates being thrown into the toilets and clogging them up. Remember, those people deserve a little respect who work their little fingers to the bone scrubbing the floors and cleaning out those bathrooms, so it’s about time you start showing it. You ought to be grateful you don’t have to use charter bus bathrooms like the blind and deaf kids from Pensacola who have to sit on one of those buses all day to get to the campus,” said the teacher, urging her class to behave as if she was watching them while they were in there, and when they encountered any staff member in the hallway.

“Remember, when you’re finished with nature’s duty and you decide it would be funny to have six girls in one stall drinking soda and feeding pop rocks to a pet goldfish your friend brought from home, or boys, you decide to start selling desktop computers and smartphones and mixing the water in the sinks and the water in the toilets with paint and ketchup from the cafeteria and spraying it all over the stalls, it not only reflects poorly on you, it reflects on this class and on my incompetence as a teacher trying to keep my class in check and make sure you are adhering to the same standards as other classes. I also don’t want to hear that you jumped on top of Mr. Mark’s cart and sprayed hot sauce in his eyes and hung around him like a swarm of monkeys throwing bananas and pickles at him while you call him names, or hear that you girls dumped a bucket of frosting in the doorway so that Mrs. Uecker’s feet got stuck in it and fenced the stalls so that she couldn’t get in when she politely but firmly told you to stop kicking the Skittles around, playing with noisemakers, folding laundry, putting on makeup, and having your short-lived girls day out and go back to class. So don’t do anything to embarrass me.” The teacher added that while she didn’t want to scare them, she didn’t want her students to become a pack of wolves hunting for negative hero points, lunch detentions, after-school detentions, and a potential slap at home.

The Sarasota County Athletic Department has just announced that they are making a mandatory senior football league that every senior in Sarasota County will have to be in. This is because the county has discovered many players that went undiscovered in high school for multiple different reasons (confidence issues, lack of funds to purchase or rent football gear, not having time to practice, etc.) “We want to test the athletic abilities of those who might not be able to join varsity, or even junior varsity. Come out and play!” says the Athletic Board on the senior varsity league on Friday. Almost every school in Sarasota County is going to have a senior team. This new league is starting next season and practice times are still being decided. “It sucks because I’m graduating and won’t be a part of it.” Tim Thomas says on Monday during an interview. This will help seniors discover if they have great athletic ability and could line them up for an athletic scholarship in their future. This could also affect current varsity players that do have football in their future because of the limited play time due to the number of seniors there will be playing on the team. 

North Port High School has been attempting to update their education program ever since the pandemic that struck last year. The school is aiming to incorporate more AICE, AP, and Honors courses. AICE Sociopathy is one of the newest courses that was pitched to the School Board. The course highlights the effects of the mental illness on the person and the outside world. 

The new course will be introduced during the 2022-2023 school year. An online learner and rising senior Andrew Tennant were interviewed to express his opinion.  

What do you think of the new AICE course? 

I think the new course would be very interesting to study and understand. 

Would you be interested in taking the course had it been offered before we graduated? 

I would certainly be interested in taking the new course. 

Who do you think would be interested in this course? 

People I think would be interested in this course would be individuals who suffer from mental illnesses. It is very important to understand yourself, and I feel like the subject is taboo to some people, so it would be nice to have a class devoted to it. 

Would this course help you in your future career field? 

This course would help in the future because there are so many fields you can use this knowledge in. 

Do you think this course counts as a science credit or an elective credit? 

I would say this course counts as a science credit. 

Were you aware that this was an April fools’ prank? 

No, I was not. I was seriously thinking this would be an interesting course. 

AICE Sociopathy is not a real course! April Fools everyone! 

The United States military finally make a great discovery that would make the average citizen second guess themselves, but it’s true, sea creatures are ready to cooperate with our terms of a partnership. The people of the United States of America need to put an end to the unnecessary violence of hurting the sea turtles and the pollution of the oceans in which our nearly found allies reside.

If the creatures of the sea agree, they will help the U.S with underwater threats that we can’t locate or sense on our ships and subs. They will use their sensory abilities to pick up the threats, along with helping uncover the mysteries of the sea. Today marks the day that man, the United States of America has saved its people from threats and a helping ally at that. The U.S military will release more information regarding the negation process and when the final decision is made it will finally be a decree that we are indeed allies of the creatures of the deep blue.  

So, it’s been a year now since the outbreak of COVID-19 and it has become almost completely normal to grab a mask before leaving the house. However, there are many different mask styles out there that I’ve come across in this year of mask wearing. From gas masks to snorkeling gear and the infamous blue surgical mask, you never know what you’re going to find. Now there are also a ton of different ways to wear these masks in order to get the safest fit and spread the least number of germs possible. I feel as if now is a good time to reiterate on how to properly wear a blue surgical mask.  

The first thing you’re going to want to do is grab a mask and place the loops over your ears with the blue side facing outward and the white side pressed against your face. A popular way to wear a mask would be what I like to call the Nose Peaker. This is very fitting for those who breathe from their nose and want to maximize breathing ability. The mask is positioned over the mouth yet just below the nostrils, allowing a little more air flow. 

Another effective way to wear the mask is known as the Chinstrap. Here the mask is pulled down, covering only their chin. This style leaves the mouth and nose fully exposed making it very easy to breathe, whether you’re a mouth or nose breather. The Chinstrap is commonly found within areas where masks are mandatory, yet people don’t want to wear them. The Chinstrap is probably the most effective way to prevent spreading and receiving of COVID-19. 

The least effective way to wear your mask is what we call Full Coverage. Full Coverage is where the mask sits over the mouth, nose, and eyes, leaving room for no air flow. This method has very low visibility and low breathability yet a high germ rate. I strongly advise not wearing your mask this way if you want to help stop the spread of COVID-19 and end this global pandemic.  

Lip reading is a fun and helpful way of communicating with other people. For instance, it is super helpful to understand how to properly read lips, especially if one is hard of hearing! This way, it will allow you to practice lip reading as well as helping hard of hearing friends out or helping yourself out. Additionally, with the new times and circumstances of the world, lip reading is totally accommodating to other people if they are having trouble understanding what one is saying through the masks! So, why not read their lips instead? It’s a simple yet easy way to really grasp what words are coming out of their mouths. In order to fully comprehend the practice of lip reading though, there are some helpful tips to guide you on lipreading. 

Looking at lip movements, shapes, and patterns is essential when it comes to reading lips. For example, memorizing the different shape patterns of emotion would help you understand the person’s emotional state. Moreover, Understanding the movements of various consonants and vowels will boost your knowledge of lip reading further. You can easily practice this with other people in public while staying 6 feet apart and wearing masks, residing by the rules! Just take a look at which letters creates specific mouth movements and piece together somewhat of a comprehensible sentence. And, hey! Who knows? Maybe you’ll be able to master lip reading to the point where you can understand just about anyone’s conversations.  

Additionally, letting other people know you are trying to lip read can be very beneficial as a learning tool. When you inform another peer that you are trying to practice your lip-reading skills, they will make sure to slow their talking down and clearly pronunciation their sentences. Make sure to keep those masks on, though! Don’t want to break the COVID-19 rules now do you? Now keep these tips in mind when lip reading out into the world. Hopefully they are informative enough for you to lip read in public adequately, and safely! 

This morning, I opened up a new Braille textbook, and found that there were many things wrong with it. Sure, the transcribers are only human and make mistakes, but these transcribers should find another profession (or are they human?) The cover of the book said GEOMETRY, but when you open up to the first page, only a blind person can read it to understand that it’s a recipe for chicken alfredo on Page 59 of a cookbook. The second page has information on the invention of the water gun, and the third is an excerpt from one of Abraham Lincoln’s lesser-known speeches. The following pages were Page 63 of a Physics textbook, Page 150 of the play Hamlet, an excerpt from a Harry Potter book, and a sixth-grade Math lesson.

Clearly this book was not transcribed by anyone professional, or at least not any professional dequate enough to have been hired. Sure enough, on the very first page before the Table of Contents, below the Publishing Company and the Copyright date was a Braille transcribing group called the Know-Nothing Braille Idiots, a group of young blind aliens who came to the Earth to abduct and transcribe books into Braille for humans, but Braille was one human-made code aliens were not advanced enough to decipher, so this Braille group took pages out of books and put them together, bound the book, and called it GEOMETRY, copying the name of their stolen textbook. So that explains the tactile spaceship on the front! I guess this Braille book really is from out of this world!!!